The Batbirds and the Spiderbees
by batbird
Summary: Aang has "the talk" with the Gaang. Humor ensues, hopefully. Rated T for suggestive dialogue. Kinda cracky.
1. Chapter 1

5 years after the defeat of the Phoenix King.

Toph, Suki, Aang, Katara, and Sokka are gathered in Uncle Iroh's tea shop in downtown Ba Sing Se. Aang discusses his duties as the Avatar thus far, and the topic turns toward his future plans.

"Well," he says, "things are fairly peaceful at the moment. I was thinking of taking some time for my own purposes- maybe to think towards reviving Air Nomad culture. I'm kind of tired of being bThe Last Airbender/b and all."

Suki snickers. "And how are you planning on doing that?" she asked.

Aang stalls. "You know, I hadn't really thought that far ahead."

Sokka: "Well, you do know what would have to happen, right?"

Aang: "No, what?"

Suki: "Well, short of raising the dead, I think you're gonna have to have some babies."

Katara assumes a stunned look. Aang remains confused.

Sokka: "You do know where babies come from, right?"

Aang: "Sure! Every so often, the men from the southern temple would meet up with the women of the eastern temple, and..." Aang stopped.

Sokka: "Aaaand..."

Katara: "Sokka, do YOU even know?"

Sokka: "Do YOU?"

Katara: "Do I need to remind you of the baby seal cubs that I've delivered?"

Suki: "Of course Sokka knows."

The gang all stares at Suki.

Suki: "I mean... uh... he's a smart person and all, right?"

Sokka "Uh... right. Anyway, I think it's time somebody explains to Aang about the batbirds and the spiderbees."

Katara: "The WHAT?"

Sokka: "You know... how babies are formed. Since you seem to know so much about it, why don't you do it, Katara?"

Katara blushes.

Katara: "I don't think that would be the best of ideas."

Sokka: "Fine. Once more, it's up to the men."

Toph: "Ha! This should be good."

Sokka: "Okay. Uhh... well, Aang. Let's say you have an unagi and a badger mole..."

Aang: "I thought this was about batbirds and spiderbees!"

Sokka: "That was a metaphor! Okay. The unagi and the badger mole love each other very much..."

Suki: "That sounds kind of improbable."

Sokka: "This is a metaphor too! Can I finish? Ok, so they fall in love, and, er..."

Toph: "Don't unagi lay eggs?"

Sokka: "Oh FINE. Don't be the recipient of my magnificent wealth of information."

Toph: "Fine. Time for me to step in!"

Katara: "Aren't you younger than all of us? How do you know?"

Toph: "I can see through walls, remember? Or thin tent fabric."

Suki almost instantly blushed, then Sokka blushed several moments afterward.

Sokka: "Ohhhh. Ehhh-"

Toph: "ANYWAY. It's not as big of a deal as you're all making it. It's a fact of nature, after all! Twinketoes, haven't you noticed you've had to shave more often, and more areas?"

Aang: "Well, yeah. But that's just part of growing up, right?"

Toph: "Yeah twink. But it's part of getting you ready for s-"

Katara: "-eeing yourself as a man! You know, with mustaches and beards and everything?"

Aang: "I am not growing a beard!"

Toph: "Come on Katara, don't be such a prude! You're older than I am, after all."

Katara: "I am not a prude!"

Toph: "Yeah you are! You're wound even tighter than your braid was."

Katara: "What was wrong with my braid?!"

Toph: "And I don't understand why! I mean, I know you ooofhfurgmgh!" (Toph is suddenly silenced)

Katara: "You finish that sentence and I'll tell them what I've seen you making out of rocks in your free time!"

As Toph and Katara nearly come to blows, they notice the wide-eyed stares from those around them, then separate and brush theirselves off.

Aang: "This is silly. I'm supposed to be the keeper of the peace and you're getting all bent out of shape over this. Why's this such a big deal anyway?"


	2. Chapter 2

Katara: "You know, I don't think any of us are really comfortable with discussing this right now-"

Toph: "I am!"

Katara: "-so I think we'll put it on the backburner for a while, it's getting late."

Toph: "Wait! I know exactly who to ask!"

Sokka: "Oh yeah?"

Toph: "Iroh! He's so old he knows EVERYTHING."

Aang: "You know, that's a good idea. I respect his wisdom. Where is he?"

Toph: "HEY! OLD GUY!"

Everyone else winces at the perceived insult, but Iroh comes from the back room all smiles.

Iroh: "You know, it's good to be known for what I really am. I was getting tired of being "The Dragon of the West"  
Iroh winks good-humoredly.

Toph: "We want you to tell Aang about..." Toph is clearly disarmed by Iroh's nature, and softens up a bit: "making love."

Iroh looks stunned for a second. "You don't know that already, with such a beautiful girlfriend? Oh, but you should value your innocence. Once it's gone, you can't have it back again. Well, I suppose maybe when you're reincarnated!"

Aang: "I'm 118 years old, I think it's about time I learned."

Iroh: "Well said, well said. Well, there are a few things that you need to know. The women of this world are all quite different. The ladies of the fire nation are passionate, but sometimes they are like a flame that burns out too quickly, and if you are not careful, you could be burned too. I remember one time on Ember Island... The people of the earth kingdom are solid, and prefer their routine, but their endurance is... oh, and the women of the water tribes are very fluid and open minded, not afraid to experiment at all! One time when I was visiting the northern tribes, I met three pretty things just back from a fishing trip... and the stories I've heard of the women of the air nomads, astounding!..."

This continues on for about 10 minutes before anyone is capable of responding.

Sokka: "Wow... I guess we weren't doing it right after all."

Suki: "Nope... not even close."

Toph: "Nope. Hey... where's twinkletoes? He must have gone when we weren't noticing."

Aang is standing on the balcony of the Jasmine Dragon, looking off towards the rapidly darkening horizon.

Katara: "I think I'd better go speak to him."

Katara: "Alone.", she adds as she notices Toph starting to move.


End file.
